I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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