mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
