I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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