WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
