And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
