How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
