I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
When did angry sex become our thing?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
