dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
