You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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