Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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