my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
