So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
