M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
