Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
