The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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