I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
