new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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