Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
