Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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