I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
