For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
