you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
lol hangovers are for mortals.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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