I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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