I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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