i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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