he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
