I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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