ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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