This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
