I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
