Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
