my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
