The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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