What did we do last night that was yellow?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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