i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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