oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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