Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
false alarm, still single
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
