I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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