Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
