i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
