you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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