dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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