Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
It's just like the Real World with babies
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
