Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
