I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
