No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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