There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
