How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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