i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
