fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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