To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I am mentally ready for anal.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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