we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
