sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
