Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I could make wine with my vomit
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
